The Supreme Aim & The Greatest Tragedy

Call it meditation, work on oneself, awareness, purity, consciousness. They all attempt to point to the same thing and all fail. They are words and words will always be clouded with ideologies, subject to time and the human condition. To be, to relax into yourself and sincerely begin to inquire, accept, suffer, and again move back into realms of thought, feeling, sensual experience, to me is the supreme aim. Any experience is valid because your awareness does not judge good or bad. It just sees, and it is your own choice to stick with this pure seeing, otherwise you are subject to the raging streams of thought and desire, you will not be in control, you will not be present. In the past there was a very simple exercise I would use to come back to this simple awareness, this resting attention, this beingness. In the midst of my day, in those moments that I wasn't lost in daydream or pursuit, I would ask myself "Who am I?" and would just try to be alert in that moment, make an attempt to "feel" myself and stick with this "feeling". Nothing was instant, and I would feel confused and frustrated at times. I stuck with it. Another question would be "what is this experience all about?" and again, in asking this allow something to arise, keeping watchfull like throwing a bowling ball and waiting for the pins to be knocked down. Agian and again I would do this and more and more get a strange feeling of connectedness, of an intimacy that was very pleasurable. When beginning it helped to ask these questions. "Who am I?" a song would pop into my head, I let it play and again asked "This body is it moving by itself or am I moving it?" "Is this thought me or does it belong to another?" These short reflections do not do much at first, no, at first it is very slow. For one secound you will remember to be aware, awake, the next... the flame has gone out and you are lost in the content of you mind. Maybe a whole day will pass untill you relize that you were unaware. You may even be angry when you come back and become aware that you lost yourself. "Fuck!" But think about this, the fact that you remembered you were not aware in itself is a rising awareness, a growing awareness. When I felt this returning I would again make attempts to strengthen this dully alive feeling. Trying to feel my own presence very intensly and letting awareness, aliveness, sink into new areas of myself. To continue this exploration, of mind, emotion, body, surrounding, became my supreme aim, and to stop this search, to fall into stagnation became the greatest tragedy.